The orthopedic appointment!

     It was now the end of September and my mother and I were off to a local orthopedic in town. It was an afterschool appointment and if I can remember correctly, it was on a Friday afternoon. As soon as we arrived, I became nervous. I found this unsettling as I hadn't been too nervous beforehand. There was something about that office, perhaps it was the waiting room itself or the smell - perhaps even a premonition, but something was making my stomach flip. I told my mother, "I'm scared" and she said, "Oh, now there's nothing to be worried about! Everything will be okay.”. Yeah, right - no worries?!? Sure, her spine wasn't all crooked!  Easy for her to say everything was going to be alright. Why do mothers, including myself, always say this? I suppose it is a means to diminish concern or worry to a child, but I wasn't buying it at that moment. I was nervous. In fact, I had a pit in my stomach.

     We were then called in and the nurse said, rather callously, "Strip down and put this johnny on. The doctor will be right in". I said to my mother, "Like take everything off?” and she said, "Everything but your panties". I did as I was told, but I have to tell you - NOW I WAS REALLY NERVOUS! The only doctor I had ever been to in my life was our primary physician and now I was expected to be practically naked in front of this male doctor I had never met before! Yikes! Within moments he entered. I recall thinking that he seemed HUGE. Not overweight huge, just a "large" man, big boned and tall. I was ominously leery. I remember him speaking to my mother for a few minutes before asking me to stand. I repeated the same standing tests that I had done for Dr. Ruisi. He was not "cuddly" or warm in any way, shape or form. My stomach was now doing flip after flip and I was starting to feel sick. More than a pit in my stomach. Much more. He then said he would be right back and left the room without saying a word. I looked at my mother and said, "I don't like him!" and she said, "I don't like him either!". I was near tears, not for a particular reason yet, but more so because something just didn't feel right. I was uneasy. Something told me that this appointment was not going to go so well. Let's call it instinct.

     The doctor walked back in the room and I remember that he never even really looked at me, but spoke directly to my mother. He said, "She has scoliosis and it's pretty bad. Why did you wait so long?” The nerve of him!! My mother said, "I didn't wait long. We just noticed at the end of the summer, a few weeks ago. I immediately called Dr. Ruisi. We went to that appointment and he arranged for us to see you?!?”. My stomach was no longer doing flips - I truly thought I would vomit. I could tell that my mother was getting defensive and rightly so! However, to know my beloved mother, Rose Ahern, was to love her and NO ONE ever wanted to put her in defensive mode!! She could be like a pitbull when pushed! He continued and said, "Well, she's got it bad and I'm not sure they will even be able to help her!” What? What did he mean they couldn't help me? I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I shut down at that point and watched them talking as if I were outside of the room looking in. This couldn't really be happening, could it? I was there, but I couldn't hear anything except certain words. I heard "lungs", "collapse", "dangerous", "Milwaukee brace", "operation", "body cast"......when I felt that I could finally hear everything again, I realized that he had stopped talking and that he was looking right at me. Looking back, I think I had probably started to hyperventilate because I was trying so hard not to cry and I was using immense energy to stifle myself. However, he was now looking at me with disgust. I started to panic, what had I done? Why was he looking at me like that? I was so confused and kept thinking, "What did I do?”, I hadn't even uttered a single word, and I had not spoken. What could be mad at? Then he said, in a loud, gruff, nasty and unforgiving tone of voice, "Knock it off little girl and wipe those tears off your face! Stop being a baby and act your age! You’re never going to make it if you act like that!". I looked at him in shock, because as he was saying this he was walking towards me as if he were going to hit me!! Evidently, I hadn't been suppressing the tears as well as I thought I had. My mother jumped up and said, "Do NOT speak to my child like that and do NOT touch her!” He was startled at her immediate reaction, no doubt. My mother may have been a tiny woman, but she was sure feisty. It was silent for a moment as everyone regained their composure. I don't remember my mother's exact words, but I do recall something to the effect that if she didn't NEED him to make the referral to Newington Children's Hospital for me, she would walk out right then. He replied that of course he would be putting in the referral and said that his receptionist would be calling with the date and time. He never looked at me again and left the room. Can you imagine? He never once looked at me and said, "I'm sorry". To this day, I do believe that he is the worst, most horrible man I have ever met. People in recent years have told me that he frequently flies to Africa or someplace now and donates his time and provides free medical attention to the underprivileged. Perhaps he treated many more patients with disrespect and has now attempted to right his wrongs? Who knows, all I know is that I have not and will not – ever - forgive that man for his cruel behavior. It's not that I am not a forgiving person and certainly everyone, including myself, has at one time or another acted in ways that were not appropriate, that we are not proud of or did something in selfish haste and we hurt someone. It is an awful, awful feeling and we then have great remorse afterwards and usually beat ourselves up for it. Generally, we apologize for our actions and hope and pray that the person we have wronged will forgive us. However, he never apologized to me and cruelty, especially towards a young child, is not excusable. Ever. He left the room and my mother grabbed me in her arms and I wanted to sob, but I was so scared I couldn't. Not a tear fell at that point. All I wanted was to go home, where I felt safe and have my Daddy come home from work and fix it all. That's what Daddy's do, right? They're supposed to make everything all better. I wanted to make believe that this was just a horrible dream.

     I dressed and we walked out to the receptionist. The doctor was nowhere to be seen. My mother was steaming mad and it was building up. I remember thinking "Oh God, I hope she doesn't make a scene!”. Here I had just had the absolute worst experience of my life and being a typical 12-year old; I was suddenly more concerned about my mother embarrassing me!! Gosh, that was 36 years ago and people had such a reverence for doctors back then. I can only imagine that happening today! If that happened at this period in time to me and one of my children, I would probably slug him one! Being a mother myself, I can only imagine how she felt. I'm sure she wanted to kick him or better. I do recall her saying something to the receptionist that the doctor would be making an appointment for me at Newington Children's Hospital and the woman stated that it might be months and my mother said emphatically, "Oh NO, it won't! He WILL make that appointment and it best be in weeks, NOT months. You can tell him that for me!" and we stormed out. We sat in the car, and as if it were slow motion, we headed home. In silence. Thinking back, I think we were both in shock. As soon as I felt safe again, far from the doctor’s office, I suddenly started remembered what had happened before "the scene". Suddenly words were popping in my head, the “scary” words that I heard earlier - "Milwaukee brace", "lungs collapsing", "operation", "dangerous" and my stomach started doing flips again and I felt sick to my stomach. I looked at my mother and I couldn't tell if she was mad or she was scared. I'm certain she was both but more so I think she was trying to concentrate on driving so she wouldn't get us in an accident or something!! We drove right home and I went straight to my room and shut the door. I lay on my bed and I started reliving the appointment. Naturally, now that I was home where I felt safest in the world, I was able to release all the fear and anxiety that had been building for weeks. I couldn't believe this was happening. It didn't take long for me to suddenly find myself sobbing. And sobbing. And sobbing. I started conjuring up every horrible thought, every horrible vision of what lay ahead. I recall thinking that a Milwaukee brace would be like a man in armor! Oh, the thoughts I had! All I could think was, "Why me? Why me?” I believe that my mother was most likely telling my sisters while I was in my room. That is until she heard me sobbing. I remember her coming in and sitting on the bed. She kept running her hands through my hair, as only a mother can do in terrible times, when they want to assure you that everything will be okay. I wanted to believe her, but I knew better. It was that darn instinct again. You see, my mother was a strong, stoic woman who very rarely cried. Even on this horrible day when I knew her heart was breaking, she did not cry. She sure looked like she could, but no tears fell. She was trying to show me how to be strong and until recently, I rarely cried myself. However, I wished that she had lived long enough for me to have been able to teach her that it's much better to cry and release it. I often wonder if she had only cried over the years, if she'd still be alive? The stress she must have held in could not have been good for her health. Well, now I cry whenever I want and I hope I live longer than she did. Not that I'm not looking forward to being with her again one day, it's just that I'm not in any particular rush!! I remember "Romeo and Juliet" being at the movie theatre that night and she, "Let's go to the movies!" trying to get my mind off of it all, but I refused. I thought, "How can I go to the movies?”. You see, at the moment that doctor (I hate even calling him that) was so cruel to me, I started considering myself a pariah, unworthy of much. I was now a defective person. I just lay and sobbed. A sobbing pariah.