The Big Day is Here!

Well, I do apologize as I never did post after the last time on Thursday. Somehow, the time just escaped me and now it is about 1:30 AM on "the" BIG DAY! I've decided to give up on the sleep possibility since I needed to rise at 3AM anyway! I'll have to catnap on the way to Boston or just take solace in knowing that I'll be "sleeping" alot in the next 2 days! I am telling you, there is a HUGE amount of planning and preparation into these kinds of surgeries!! Yikes, I'm exhausted. I have just a couple of things left to do on my "to-do" list and then I guess I'll shower again and just be ready to leave. I say shower "again" as I was given strict instruction that I had to shower with a special antibiotic soap. So I had to go to the pharmacy to get it and the instructions were that I was to shower on Sunday evening with this soap and then again on Monday morning before I left for Boston. You put it on, wait 3 minutes, put it on again, and wait another 3 minutes, then rinse - all the while not letting the water touch your skin. No lotions or powders afterwards. Do you know how darn cold it gets while you wait for 3 minutes to pass? I was freezing. And now I have to do it again in about an hour or so!! Ugh! I don't know why I'm complaining, I suppose it's a piece of cake compared to what I'm going to have to go through in the next few months.


Seriously, because I do have a couple of things left to do, I must sign off so I don't leave the house with them undone. All of you that know me well know that I can be a "bit" of a control freak!! I wouldn't feel okay about things if I left without doing everything that I wanted to do. I did wake up apprehensive today and a little scared. Please know that I am NOT scared of the surgeries' per se, more what will come after. I have every bit of faith in my surgeon and I also know that it is all in God's hands anyway. I feel pretty confident about that aspect, the recovery? Well, that's the part that has me a little wobbly! But I'm strong, I'm healthy and I'll probably be fine and with any luck, I'll be blogging again in no time, and you'll see (or should I say read) it for yourselves.

I went to Mass today and had my St. Gemma medal blessed and received an Anointing of the Sick. That is how I started my day and it felt very good. My dear sweet friend and neighbor sent me positive energy through Reiki. She has been doing Reiki on me for years, originally starting due to my back pain. She has been with me all the way, so supportive and so giving of herself. I love her dearly too. I can't believe that so many are doing such beautiful and selfless things for me. I called my other neighbors Tom and Trish over some ridiculous anxiety attack over iPods and MP3 players. They are both so patient and kind as well. Poor Tom, I am forever pestering him about computer problems. But that is the price he has to pay for being THE "geek squad" of our street since he is a technology "master". I couldn't even OWN a computer without him!! My Aunt Mary was sweet enough to help me do some menial paperwork yesterday, as I walked in her house with an armful of paper and even helped me reorganize my "to-do" list to a more reasonable existence! I've touched base, even if just for a few minutes this weekend with my closest friends, whether it be in person or on the phone. That was heart-warming too. I talked to my Dad yesterday and I know he hates that I have to go through this. I really do feel the support and love of so many. It is an out of space sort of feeling that I have been having for the past couple of days. A whirlwind. A complete whirlwind. But in less than 6 hours, I'll be "resting" and Dr. Glazer can do the worrying and the work, with God and the angels (my mother being one of them!) watching over him giving him the strength, courage and determination to straighten my spine. Then God and those same angels, with the prayers of all of you will then give ME the same strength, courage and determination to heal and endure the recovery that lies ahead. Till I can blog again, good night by dear, dear family and friends. I will blog again as soon as I possibly can. I am already anxious for that day. Please continue to read - it means the world to me.

St. Gemma

By the way, I know that many of you are looking for me to post the prayer to St. Gemma. I have put it in the sideline so that it will be easier for you to get to as the days go by (rather than trying to find it in a particular post, if I did it that way). So, feel free to start praying anytime you want!! Although at this point, I should probably find the Patron Saint of headcolds and I should be praying to him or her instead...................

I'm back!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi everyone - I'm back from DC! With a head cold! Which is NOT good news. I'm a little concerned and am praying that it gets better with each hour and not worse - because if that happens, the surgery will most likely have to be rescheduled!! I haven't been sick - even once - this winter and NOW I get sick! Maybe traveling wasn't the best idea right before surgery. Too late now, woulda, coulda, shoulda, right? I bought a Neti pot yesterday on my way home and I am going to try it in a little bit. For all of you that don't know, a Neti pot is a way to do a "nasal wash". Actually the first time that I ever heard of a Neti pot was when I had gone to the emergency room when I was ultimately diagnosed and later hospitalized with Mono, remember that? Well, when I had gone to the ER in the early morning hours, the doctor actually said to me, "Do you know what a Neti pot is?" and I said, "No" and he said, "I really think you would benefit from a nasal washing" and he went on to explain how I could still do it without a traditional pot. I was so sick, I just ignored him and also because I had no intention of putting any water up my nostrils!! Gross! Anyway, in the passing years as I have become more interested in more "natural" healing methods, I have often read of the Neti pot and know several people who use one regularly. In fact, in the past few months, I have actually picked up one in the store, but always put it back on the shelf, figuring why bother spending the money. So last night, when Erica picked me up from the airport, we stopped at Whole Foods in Cranston and I finally bought a Neti pot!!

I have a guy here today cleaning my carpets, so I will give it a try right after he leaves. I opened the box up a little earlier and was ready to give it a try, in desperation to "clean" out my nasal passages of this insidious little infection that is trying to spread through my body, but decided that I should try it out AFTER the carpet cleaner leaves! I suddenly thought that if he walked in and saw me with this little pot (that resembles a mini watering can!) with my head tilted, putting water up my nose, he may think I am a little crazy!! So in order to preserve my reputation as being a relatively sane person, I'll refrain from doing the Neti pot until he carpet man leaves!!

I slept well last night, albeit with the help of a couple of Tylenol PM's! I slept very well while I was away and am thankful for that. My leg (mostly my left one) has been still giving me issues with sporadic spasms, which mostly appear at night when I lay down. Unfortunately, the sensation has reared its ugly head during the day a few times. I don't like that. Some nights (like last night) it is very mild and I am able to almost ignore it and go to sleep. Other nights it is very bothersome and I am awake for hours, thrashing around. I have found that a Percocet helps a bit, not 100%, but enough so that I can go to sleep eventually. That is a double-edged sword though, because as I've mentioned before, narcotics generally cause me insomnia. So unfortunately, there are nights that I have to choose between leg spasms or insomnia. Great choice, huh?

I was finally able to speak with Dr. Glazer last Saturday. He called when I was in a workshop at the conference and left a voicemail with his personal cell phone number, telling me to feel free to call him back so that we didn't continue to play phone tag. I reached him later that afternoon. As I started to ask him questions, I could hear his small children in the background, "Daddy" and him saying "Shhh...” - I thought that was sweet. It was a reminder that although he is this world-renowned spine surgeon, he is first just a man ~ a husband and a father. I know that he has three young children and I'm pretty certain that the oldest isn't even 6 or 7 yet - so in the little time he probably spends at home, his children must cloister around him and they all must cherish those moments. So once again, here I am about to be sliced open with a load of questions, and yet I hesitate, picking and choosing which questions to ask so that I don't take up too much of his time away from his children. I guess that in that moment, I figured that his kids need him even more that I do.

Anyway, I asked 7 of the 9 questions that I had and we were off the phone in 4 1/2 minutes!! Ha! Ha! A true surgeon nonetheless - straightforward and to the point. You ask a question and you get an answer and then.......next question! Don't get me wrong, with Dr. Glazer you never get the feeling that he is rushing you, it is just that he is a typical surgeon - blunt. They don't have a lot of use for idle conversation. Funny group they are. So I asked if I could get my Harrington Rods back. Or any part of them, I should say. Dr. Glazer is not even sure he is taking them out completely. A lot of times, because so much time has passed from the time of implementation to revision, they can become deeply embedded in bone making it very dangerous to try to remove. More often than not, they take out parts of the rods, the parts that come out relatively easily and then actually use the parts that are embedded as an "anchor" for the new instrumentation. Regardless, I told him that I want back whatever he can give me. He said that they generally send it on to Pathology (weird huh? I forgot to ask why? Perhaps as part of a study?) so I have to fill out paperwork when I arrive on Monday morning. I also mentioned the leg pains and spasms that I am experiencing more and more and he said without doubt, he is certain that it is related to nerve impingement due to the severe lumbar stenosis that I have. He commented that he is opting to do the anterior (front of body) part of my revision for this reason alone. He said that doing anterior, along with posterior, will enable him to better "open" up this area and "really get in there" to "clean it up" and also to gain even better correction for me. I also inquired about anesthesia and mentioned that I do indeed have slight apprehension of being intubated regularly again, especially along with knowing that it will occur two days in a row and especially on the second day, for many, many hours. He said that although he understands my apprehension, he thinks it may be unwarranted because the paralyzed vocal cord did heal as expected. He said that they may decide to do it "fiber optically" versus an endotracheal tube, as is most often used. He said "we" will discuss it with the anesthesiologists the morning of the first surgery. I then proceeded to ask several other questions that will no doubt just bore you all to tears so I won't bother to explain, but then the call was over. Another "check" off the list of things to do!

So today, I am doing laundry (which there is MASSIVE amounts to be done!) and completing some paper work and then of course, I am going to clean about my nasal passages with my Neti pot! And I am also going to lay low and nap. Because if these surgeries end up having to be rescheduled, you all might end up having to visit me in a psychiatric hospital!! And I'm not kidding!!! Seriously.

Acceptance

           The Dalai Lama says, "When you lose, don't lose the lesson"

I guess that I may have lost out on a healthy spine, but I truly hope that I haven't or won't lose the lesson. The truth of the matter is that my scoliosis, has no doubt, made me the woman I am today.

So, here I am just 10 days away!! I'm feeling pretty good. I have prepared to the best of my ability. I trust my surgeon and his very skilled hands. I am humbled by the love and support that I have received from so many. I envision myself being pain free and walking straight. I am eating healthily. I am meditating and praying. There is not much else I can do. I really have given it up to Dr. Glazer and God.

Dr. Glazer has magical hands, hands that he has reminded me that he feels great responsibility with. He has often said, "It is my goal to improve the quality of their lives, never make them worse and I take that very seriously". I trust his hands. In fact, let’s face it; I trust them with my life. God? Well, I give it all to Him to handle. He is the man in charge after all!!

I will say this. These surgeries have forced me to confront alot in my life. What I like about it, what I don't. What I want to change, what I don't. What I like about myself and what I don't. Who is important to me and who is not. Who I know have my back (no pun intended!!) and who doesn't. More importantly, for reasons that I can't explain, I have easily come to terms with it all and accept it. All the good and all the bad. Someone told me recently that if you want things to be different, perhaps the answer is to become different yourself. Acceptance. It, for me, means finally coming to terms with WHAT IS, instead of what I wish for. Choices. And then Acceptance. I have Scoliosis, and I wish I didn't. I didn't choose it, but I must accept it. But I truly think that I am coming to a certain peace about it, all these years later. As Helen Keller once said, "I do not want the peace that passeth understanding. I want the understanding which bringeth peace." I love wisdom quotes. I love anything that makes us as human beings, stop in our tracks and just "think". I have been told that I am quite philosophical about so many of life's topics. Some people have even pointed a finger exclaiming their anger with me saying that they think I am self-righteous or that I think I am always right. In fact, that is not true at all. In fact, I think I am often wrong. I am just a human being interested in the human mind and I love to bring people to the point of "uncomfortable" when delving into their minds. Growth begins when we accept our weaknesses'. It is only then that we really find out important things about ourselves. My mother once said that the person we all lie most often to is ourselves. She was right. We "pretend" to assert all of kinds of things in the company of others or even to our own image in the mirror. Yet the truth is that unless you "test" these assertions on your body or in your intuitional consciousness (which we all possess), look in the mirror and really look at what we see, only then can we accept that if what we asserted is in fact true. Pretty deep, huh? If you understand that, then you know how to delve deep. If you don't, start delving!!! Calm the mind and let it be still. All kinds of thoughts will come through. Acknowledge them and accept them!

I am leaving tomorrow for a business trip to DC. I will return next Wednesday evening. I will attempt at that point to post on the blog each day until I leave for Boston. Right now, I must go pack. I'm slightly apprehensive about struggling through the airport, the plane and the walking I will have to endure. I am traveling with my dear co-worker and friend Paula. She is the kind of friend that I know that I can rely on and not feel bad. She very often instinctively knows when I need a helping hand before I even ask for it. I know that even if I find the trip painful, I will have many a laugh and tons of fun with Paula. I'm thinking that this trip is really a gift and the best use of my time right now.

Shout out a prayer for my 92 year old Aunt Sarah. She fell again! I believe that she is in surgery as I type this. Thank you to Diane and Jill, who took me out to dinner last Friday evening. It was relaxing and a lovely way to unwind. They too are two people who I know are there for me, no matter what. It is not only humbling, but heart-warming. We all need that in life. Actually, I feel quite selfish lately. I'm finding that I just can't "give" anything right now. It's as if I have no control, as if my mind and body are taking over and conserving everything just for me. I've chosen not to fight it. If I anger, hurt, or frustrate any of you - please forgive me. It is not my intent. I love each and every one of you dearly. It is just, as I stated earlier, an acceptance on my part of being kind to myself for once and focusing on just me so that I am prepared for this grueling recovery. I am learning to accept me and I ask you lovingly to just accept me as well. I'm leaving it all up to God. Acceptance. Acceptance is God's novel. Let's let him write it.

      "People are like stained glass windows: they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light within."