Acceptance

           The Dalai Lama says, "When you lose, don't lose the lesson"

I guess that I may have lost out on a healthy spine, but I truly hope that I haven't or won't lose the lesson. The truth of the matter is that my scoliosis, has no doubt, made me the woman I am today.

So, here I am just 10 days away!! I'm feeling pretty good. I have prepared to the best of my ability. I trust my surgeon and his very skilled hands. I am humbled by the love and support that I have received from so many. I envision myself being pain free and walking straight. I am eating healthily. I am meditating and praying. There is not much else I can do. I really have given it up to Dr. Glazer and God.

Dr. Glazer has magical hands, hands that he has reminded me that he feels great responsibility with. He has often said, "It is my goal to improve the quality of their lives, never make them worse and I take that very seriously". I trust his hands. In fact, let’s face it; I trust them with my life. God? Well, I give it all to Him to handle. He is the man in charge after all!!

I will say this. These surgeries have forced me to confront alot in my life. What I like about it, what I don't. What I want to change, what I don't. What I like about myself and what I don't. Who is important to me and who is not. Who I know have my back (no pun intended!!) and who doesn't. More importantly, for reasons that I can't explain, I have easily come to terms with it all and accept it. All the good and all the bad. Someone told me recently that if you want things to be different, perhaps the answer is to become different yourself. Acceptance. It, for me, means finally coming to terms with WHAT IS, instead of what I wish for. Choices. And then Acceptance. I have Scoliosis, and I wish I didn't. I didn't choose it, but I must accept it. But I truly think that I am coming to a certain peace about it, all these years later. As Helen Keller once said, "I do not want the peace that passeth understanding. I want the understanding which bringeth peace." I love wisdom quotes. I love anything that makes us as human beings, stop in our tracks and just "think". I have been told that I am quite philosophical about so many of life's topics. Some people have even pointed a finger exclaiming their anger with me saying that they think I am self-righteous or that I think I am always right. In fact, that is not true at all. In fact, I think I am often wrong. I am just a human being interested in the human mind and I love to bring people to the point of "uncomfortable" when delving into their minds. Growth begins when we accept our weaknesses'. It is only then that we really find out important things about ourselves. My mother once said that the person we all lie most often to is ourselves. She was right. We "pretend" to assert all of kinds of things in the company of others or even to our own image in the mirror. Yet the truth is that unless you "test" these assertions on your body or in your intuitional consciousness (which we all possess), look in the mirror and really look at what we see, only then can we accept that if what we asserted is in fact true. Pretty deep, huh? If you understand that, then you know how to delve deep. If you don't, start delving!!! Calm the mind and let it be still. All kinds of thoughts will come through. Acknowledge them and accept them!

I am leaving tomorrow for a business trip to DC. I will return next Wednesday evening. I will attempt at that point to post on the blog each day until I leave for Boston. Right now, I must go pack. I'm slightly apprehensive about struggling through the airport, the plane and the walking I will have to endure. I am traveling with my dear co-worker and friend Paula. She is the kind of friend that I know that I can rely on and not feel bad. She very often instinctively knows when I need a helping hand before I even ask for it. I know that even if I find the trip painful, I will have many a laugh and tons of fun with Paula. I'm thinking that this trip is really a gift and the best use of my time right now.

Shout out a prayer for my 92 year old Aunt Sarah. She fell again! I believe that she is in surgery as I type this. Thank you to Diane and Jill, who took me out to dinner last Friday evening. It was relaxing and a lovely way to unwind. They too are two people who I know are there for me, no matter what. It is not only humbling, but heart-warming. We all need that in life. Actually, I feel quite selfish lately. I'm finding that I just can't "give" anything right now. It's as if I have no control, as if my mind and body are taking over and conserving everything just for me. I've chosen not to fight it. If I anger, hurt, or frustrate any of you - please forgive me. It is not my intent. I love each and every one of you dearly. It is just, as I stated earlier, an acceptance on my part of being kind to myself for once and focusing on just me so that I am prepared for this grueling recovery. I am learning to accept me and I ask you lovingly to just accept me as well. I'm leaving it all up to God. Acceptance. Acceptance is God's novel. Let's let him write it.

      "People are like stained glass windows: they sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light within."