2006 & 2007

 I took the anti-inflammatory daily as he prescribed and at first, it really helped. It even helped with my back pain. Yet, in just weeks, it seemed to stop working. The "attacks" of pseudo-gout never came to a head, just starting and then subsiding. Thank God. However, the back pain increased - first making it difficult to stand straight by the end of the day and then more difficulty walking any great distance.

I plunged ahead, doing my very best to ignore it all. Some days were ok, some days were tolerable and some days were downright miserable. I never knew what kind of day would be thrown at me. I tried hard not to complain, for I knew I would get a response from someone saying, "Well, have the surgery". Yeah, right. So easy for the person not needing the surgeries to say!

Working at the store and standing were becoming hard. Very hard. The other thing I noticed in 2006 was the difficulty I had in the mornings. Waking up stiff or in pain, and needing a hot shower to get the muscles to relax, but even then, I found I moved s-l-o-w. I just couldn't get myself going, it is like you know you could push if you really had too - but should you have to PUSH like that just to get showered and dressed? And afraid that if you pushed at all, it would create more pain. I found myself running late every morning and getting to work on time proved to be more and more difficult. How do you explain this to your boss (friend or not) and your co-workers (friends or not). How can you say, "I can't move quickly in the morning, so I may not be on time every day?" Bull crap. No way could I say that - I mean, if you're supposed to be at work for 8:30, then be there at 8:30!! Otherwise, to ask for "special" accommodations would fall under "disability" and I wasn't disabled. I was NOT disabled. Or was I??

Nooooooo! Disabled means being unable to function in everyday life, right? Not getting to work on time is just a time-management problem and laziness on my part!! Yep, so now I just felt like I had to get my act together because it wasn't a physical problem, it was a mental problem. I was just being lazy. Perhaps I just needed to lose some weight. THAT must be why I no longer had energy and walking was so difficult! It was all my fault and it had nothing to do with my spine. I was using my spine as a scape-goat!!! Right?? WRONG. I could slap myself silly sometimes. Actually, I did start exercising and lost about 30 lbs. and I did feel better. For a while. But then that 'ol familiar back pain was oh so prevalent again. And boy oh boy, how my knee's ached and hurt. And oh yeah, why was neck always hurting and arms and hands falling asleep???

Erica graduated from HS in June 2006. It was a busy and stressful time - planning and helping with graduation stuff, planning a graduation party, preparing and shopping for her dorm, it really was a summer that wouldn't seem to end! I felt completely stressed and exhausted. At the end of August, I was completely depleted of all energy. Simply exhausted. I could barely get through the days and when I would come home from work, I found myself having to nap before I could muster the energy to start dinner. Now looking back, shouldn't that have been a sign?? Why do I ignore signs?? This went on for a couple of weeks and at the beginning of September, Erica entered RI College with a major in early childhood education. I worked my butt off that day and I think I scrubbed and Lysol'ed every square inch of that dorm room and in the end the kid looked like she was in a luxury hotel room!!! I got home that night and was so thrilled for my little girl, but thought I had never been so tired in all of my life. I woke up the next morning feeling as tired as I did when I had gone to bed the night before! What was wrong with me?

A few days later, I developed a horrible sore throat. Horrible. It went away and then came right back again a couple of days later. I felt awful. Then I noticed I had a swollen lymph gland. Within days, it grew to the sign of an egg on the side of my neck! A couple of days later I thought, "I wonder if I should get this checked out?” I went to work instead. At the end of the day, I mentioned to my boss and dear friend Kevin, "I think I'm sick, I don't feel good and I have this swollen gland. Look" and I showed him. He looked at me said, "Get out of here now!! God, go to Urgent Care" with a grimace on his face, like he was completely grossed out!! Ha! Ha! It was a Friday night so I left a little early and headed right to the clinic. Naturally, it took forever to see the doctor and finally she came in. After examining me, she said that it was an ear infection! An ear infection?? I didn't even have an earache! She gave me an antibiotic and I figured that since I had the weekend off, I could rest and be good as new by Monday morning to return to work. Instead of getting better, with each passing hour, I felt worse. Sunday evening came and I was in pain. PAIN. I couldn't swallow, I had to keep drooling into a Kleenex because I couldn't bear to swallow and it hurt really, really bad. Everyone went to bed and I paced. Like I was in labor. I literally paced around my downstairs for hours, thinking "I can't go complain that my sore throat is hurting so much". How can you go to the ER for a sore throat - I mean, how absurd!! I continued to pace. Finally at 4 AM, I couldn't stand it. Now I felt like I couldn’t breathe, like I had to draw in deeply to get air or something. I got in the car and went to the ER. I have to admit though that I remember thinking I could not believe that I was going to the ER at 4AM and going to complain of a sore throat. Then I had to admit that it was obviously a bad enough sore throat to get up and go to the ER in the middle of the night!! I knew then I was sick. This is exactly how I talk to myself, I go round and round in my head. I make myself dizzy with the "what if's". I was a mess when the doctor came in, I must have been quite a sight. He looked at me and said, "You look awful! What is wrong with you?” I told him. He examined me and I kept falling asleep during the exam and he said, "How long have you been like this?” I said, "Well, it started about 10 days ago and it's been really bad this weekend". He said, "You have some sort of very nasty infection. I'm going to give you a super strong antibiotic and some Vicodan for the pain. Start on it IMMEDIATELY. At 9AM, I want you to call an ENT and get an appointment for Tuesday and don't take no for an answer and tell them I said you NEED to be seen on Tuesday". But wait......I said, "But I was at Urgent Care on Friday night and she said I only had an ear infection?" and he said, "What? An ear infection??" as he started to look inmy ears again. He finished and said, "You so NOT have any ear infection, she's wrong and the antibiotic she has you on wouldn't kill a fly, you need something more powerful that what she gave you." Alrighty then. So I went home and could barely get the pills down, I kept gagging. It was like there wasn't enough room in my throat. I've never had a problem swallowing pills, ever! I knew something was very wrong with me. At 9AM sharp, I called and got an appointment for the next morning with an ENT at 10. I tried to sleep; at this point I had gone for days without sleep! The vicodan didn't touch the pain. Now I was scared. I knew something was very, very wrong when the next morning it took me 3 hours to shower and blowdry my hair, because I had to keep resting and napping in between. I arrived at the ENT office, and they instantly looked at me like I was sick - probably because at this point I could barely speak above a whisper. The ENT I chose was Dr. Jeffrey Feldman. He came in and said, "Ewww...........you're sick!” No shit! He examined me and he said, "Cough". I tried but it hurt too much. Then he asked when I had taken the last Vicodan. I said a few hours ago. He said, "Your throat is almost completely closed up, the Vicodan is stuck there and you are a very sick girl. I need to get you in the hospital NOW". He then asked, "have you ever had mono?'. MONO???? Like as in the kissing disease?? I said, "No". He replied, "Well, I think you have it now and you have developed a nasty infection". He then picked up the phone right there in the room and called over to the hospital. I heard him say, "Valerie Delaney, dob 6-23-61. STAT - You need to get an IV ready blah, blah, blah....” Huh?? What was going on? My temp was 105* and he said, "Get to the hospital right now. Go directly to admitting. They will be waiting for you. You need to be on IV steroid RIGHT NOW. I am afraid your throat will close completely and I'm going to end up needing to trach you!” Oh dear God. I just had a sore throat, didn’t’t I? I did what I was told and within 20 minutes, I was in a Johnny in a hospital bed on the 2nd floor with IV antibiotic and steroids!! Dr. Feldman arrived that afternoon and said, "You definitely have mono and the numbers are out of the ballpark!” The next morning when he came in to see me, I had had time to think and absorb that I had mono at 45 years old!?! I asked him,  "How could I have developed mono?” He asked, "What do you do for a living?" and I said, "I work at Westerly Jewelry" and he said "Bingo!! Customer service. You exchanged germs with someone about 2-3 weeks ago that had mono. Simple as that." I said, "Well it's not like I kissed them!!". He laughed. He said, "It doesn't have to only be exchanged through saliva. They had it, wiped their mouth or something and either touched your hand and you rubbed your nose and that's how it all began. Being in sales, it could have been through the exchange of money. I don't know, but you go it and you got it bad. Have you been stressed lately?" and I said, "Yes" and he said, "Control the stress levels, as you get older the stress affects you more. It makes the body more suseptible to infections." He then explained that the mono itself didn't land me in the hospital because most people have a strong enough immune system that they could have fought it but for some reason my immune system was down and I developed a full-blown and dangerous infection in my body. The point I was trying to make with this story is that he then sat down and said, "People like you amaze me and I am NOT complimenting you! Why the hell would you be that sick and wait so long to get care?” Hmmmmm........good question. I said, "Well I thought it was just a bad sore throat" and he said, "Have you ever had a sore throat so bad that you couldn't swallow at all and had difficulty breathing before?". I said, "No" and he said, "Exactly!!! Would you have ever let one of your children go this long without seeing a doctor?” I said, "No". He said, "Think about that. You have the classic women syndrome of putting everyone ahead of yourself. And it will get you no where. You need to take better care of yourself and don't ever wait this long again with ANY ailment. Hear me?” I said, "Ok". He said, "Not good enough. We're shaking on it and you need to promise me and say, "Dr. Feldman, I will NEVER do this again". Ha! Ha! So we shook hands and I ended up having to stay in the hospital for several days and my immune system was so depleted he wouldn't let me go back to work for a couple of weeks to rest and rebuild my strength. It was a lesson learned. A hard lesson and a really horrible experience. I think I really have become a little better. Honest.

One day a friend of mine said, "You really need to find a new job where you don't have to stand all of the time". I said, "NO, I love working there"!!! I couldn't leave Kevin. He needed me and to tell you the truth, I never thought I'd stop working at the jewelry store. Ever. I loved working there. I LOVE Kevin. He really is the brother I never had. I used to tease and say, "I've known this guy for forever! I knew him before he had chest hair and now its grey!!!" (He would laugh at this!) and I LOVE Sherry, a dear friend and the store manager. She has always been like a mother/sister to me and I have known both of them since 1979. That's a long time. I couldn't leave. My friend said, "You LOVE working there??? I think what you want to say is that you used to love working there!! Valerie, it IS hurting you. It causes you pain!! What is wrong with you?" and she was right. I finally dug deep within myself and was able to acknowledge that I did no longer LOVE working there. I had begun to dread it, because it created more pain. What I loved was Kevin and Sherry and I was letting my emotion's confuse my mind. So, maybe it was a good idea to find a new job. But that was what it was. Just an idea. I knew it was something I would never pursue. I left it just an "idea".

Towards the end of the year, December 2006 to be precise - this friend called me up and said, "You want a new job??” I was having a pretty bad day, pain wise. I jokingly said, "Hell yeah!” She said, "I'm serious. I just had a job posting arrive in my email and it is PERFECT for you! Perfect!” She explained what it was and I found myself saying, "Sure, I'll check it out. Forward it to me". When I got home that night, I read it. It was for a Parent Consultant position for the Rhode Island Parent Information Network (RIPIN) based in Pawtucket, RI. Hmmm......it was interesting, that was for sure. I waited a few days and thought, "Well, it couldn't hurt to forward my resume". So I did. I received a call the next day asking for me to come in for an interview! An interview!! Jeez, I don't know what I was expecting; I DID send them a resume but now I was standing in Stop & Shop (where I was when the call came in) not quite knowing what to say or do. As the woman was asking me to come in for an interview, I thought, “All I did was send you a resume, why do you want me to really come in for an interview??". See? I could slap myself silly!! I make no sense! But something was urging me on. And it confused me. I had no intention of leaving the jewelry store, right?? Wrong. Deep down, I guess I did. I think. I guess? I went to two seperate interviews and they called 2 days later to say I had the job!! WHAT????? No!!!!!! I wanted to scream, "No, no, no, no,no!!! NOOOOO!!! Do NOT offer me the job!!!!!" and yet I found myself accepting it right then and there over the phone!!! Oh no, now I had to tell my dear, dear friend Kevin that I was leaving him. I would have rather cut my right arm off.

It was now the beginning of 2007, I had finally told Kevin right before New Years and I was going to start my new job on January 30. I would be working out of an office at South County Pediatrics in Wakefield, RI. One of the "qualifications" to my getting this job is actually due to my son, Ben. For the particular program that I would be working in as a Parent Consultant, a requirement was that the employee must be the parent of a child with a special health care need. If you recall Ben's birth, he was a large happy baby. However, when he was 17 days old, Ben almost died. He was rushed to RI Hospital (Hasbro didn't exist in 1992) and after a long night of the most stress I have ever, ever encountered, Ben was diagnosed with Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia (CAH) or 21-hydroxylase deficiency. CAH is a very rare (occuring 1 in every 18,000 live births) congenital condition that affects the adrenal glands. In essence, his adrenal glands do not produce the necessary amounts of cortisol to sustain life. Yes, this condition is life-threatening and produces abnormal amounts of androgens and aldosterone. After Ben's testing was completed, he was diagnosed as having the most severe form of CAH - salt wasting; which is the part that makes it so dangerous and life-threatening. Ben can suffer from what is called an Adrenal Crisis. An adrenal crisis results in seriously low levels of sodium in the blood, diarrhea, vomiting, dehydration, low blood sugar levels, shock and then......death. People experiencing an adrenal crisis need prompt treatment under certain circumstances. Ben has been very lucky and has only experienced 3 crises in his 17 years. Ben will always have this as there is no cure (but a cure could be found one day, hence why I am a huge supporter of stem cell research!) but he can live a normal, healthy life with daily medications and taking excellent care of himself. Interestingly enought, because Ben has a chronic care condition, that made me "qualified" to acquire my job with RIPIN, and of course, along with all my other wonderful attributes!! (That's a joke folks!) I've told Ben many, many times that I really owe my job to him!

Within just a few days of starting my new job, I realized that a percentage of my pain, a small percentage but a percentage nonetheless, was diminished. I had proof now; standing on that hard, cement floor had no doubt been harming me. I was excited with my new job and I loved it from the get go. I felt like I had just received a gift since I was not looking for a new job, but instead had it almost handed to me on a silver platter. It truly felt like it was meant to be. It still does. I truly believe that there were angels looking out for me and I just knew, without doubt, that my mother was the leader of the Angel pack!!

But my neck hurt still. And my knees ached like you couldn't imagine. And walking was becoming more and more difficult. And now it was painful to stand still, especially if I get stuck in a waiting line. And my back hurt. Except when I sat. I was happier than I had been in a while, but I felt awful. Then that Spring I had another pseudo-gout attack (on a weekend again!) and I was getting fed up. I went back to my local orthopedic and he couldn't help me at all. He just repeated the same information, "Take the anti-inflammatory and call me during another crisis and I'll do an injection". Ugh - well if I get an attack on the weekend again (like happened this time), what do I do? I was upset. I asked repeatedly, "Is there a chance there is something else wrong with my knees? Should I have an MRI?” The answer was always "No, you just have pseudo-gout". JUST??? I could have slapped him too. ARGH!

By winter, I couldn't handle the back pain anymore. But I did. Of course I did. That's what I do. I handle the pain and I never say a word. I am not a martyr, it's just that I was raised to be strong and not complain! In other words, suck it up!! I can still remember my mother telling me for the first time, "You know, when people ask how you are, they don't want to hear about your every ache and pain! Just smile and say "I'm doing great, how about you?" and leave it at that!” Really?? That came as such a shock to me!! I had no idea! So I did what I was told. Don't complain!! The problem is that I have never quite figured out when I am supposed to ignore that advice and actually complain. I have been told by many different doctors in many different specialties that I "wait too long". When are you supposed to complain?? Even now, I honestly don't know most of the time.