Well, as if you haven't figured me out by now, I reveal - yes, I had lots to think about, but why think about it then?? So, of course, I decided to ignore it all. I figured that I had all the time in the world to think about it. I went quickly and solidly into "escape" mode. I decided to ignore it all and make believe it was all just a bad dream. I pushed it to the back of my mind, only to be reminded when I had pain. Which at that point, was not daily and almost not even to be considered chronic? It was completely intermittent and I was did my best to go on and just believe it would stay that way. Intermittent pain. Well, maybe I'm telling a fib. When did the pain turn from intermittent to constant? I really don't know. I can tell you that I recall Dr. Glazer asking me what I took for my pain and I said, "Motrin". He asked, "How much?” I lied. I said, "Just when I really need some and I take 2". I had some 800mg Motrin and I used OTC as well. But the truth was, I was taking about 1600mg each and every day. Often on an empty stomach, sometimes even chewing them so that they would be absorbed quicker. He gave me a prescription for Celebrex. I never filled it. I wasn't going to take such a medicine. Motrin was fine. I mean it's not like I had P-A-I-N, I just had discomfort. Right?
I recall that Christmas season, 2004, at the jewelry store as being difficult. As I mentioned in another post, the floors of that store are tough on even the healthiest of people. It is a cement floor with carpet, but listen - cement is cement. Very hard on the legs and spine. I couldn't help but think that something was just not right. I knew it, I KNEW that there was no doubt - something horrible was happening to my spine and working all of those long Christmas hours was difficult at best. I tried to muster through it and I was never so happy when it was all over. I continued to ignore the ever increasing discomfort. I figured I better just suck it up, because I was NOT having revision surgery. NO WAY! Not happening. Ever. Well maybe, but not soon.
It was also that winter that I had to seriously acknowledge; deep down, that Dr. Glazer was right. Something was very wrong with my neck. I first noticed before I even ever diagnosed myself with Flatback that my neck was feeling funny too. You want to know what I noticed first? When I would sit up in bed to watch TV, I had to turn my head to the right where my TV is stored inside an armoire. I remember one night I realized that I was having difficulty not turning, but keeping it turned. It would ache as if it were cramping up or "stuck" and sometimes I would have shoulder blade pain so painful that I couldn’t even move my arm. Very strange. What the hell was happening to me?? Still, I remained quiet and kept it all to myself.
Then suddenly, in the spring of 2005, I started to notice that my knees were aching me. Strangely, they felt almost like they needed to be "bent" more. So on occasion, I would squat to relieve them. This was never a particularly easy thing to do as a fused spine makes it very difficult to get back up, nor did it ever feel good. However, now it did and I found myself squatting repetitively throughout the day to relieve the stiffness. One day, I even recall asking a dear friend of mine and a former co-worker at the jewelry store if her knees ached her. She is a little older than me and I was wondering if it was just a typical sign of aging. She said, "No, my knees don't hurt". Hmmm.......maybe this was a sign of something? Then one Monday in May, my knees' (yes, both of them and not always at the same time, but sometimes) started hurting more than usual, in particular the right knee. By the time I came home, it was throbbing. Yet a difficult pain to describe. I recall watching "American Idol" that evening with Erica and I asked her to rub my right knee. At first it felt good, but then suddenly, her touch was making it hurt even more, so I asked her to stop. I took some more Motrin and went to bed. I had a fitful night’s sleep, even with the Motrin, as every time I turned over, I felt it in my knee. Very strange. By the time the next morning came, the stairs were almost impossible to descend and the pain had increased. Yet I did two sets of stairs and drove Ben to the bus stop and then climbed two flights of stairs again. I realized that I didn't want to stay up in my bedroom all day and that I better get downstairs in case the pain got worse. It did. And it increased. And it increased. It was horrible and I mean HORRIBLE. Like, in all seriousness, it was pain with intensity of childbirth - NO lie. Horrible. I stayed as still as possible (the only thing that was even close to tolerable) until the kids came home from school and found me leaning over a chair crying, where I had been for hours - completely unable to move. I had to go to the bathroom so badly and they both needed to help me get there. I spend the remainder of the day and evening in tears and as the night went on, the pain started to subside. However, it took days for my knee to return to "normal". I was embarrassed, telling few that my knee hurt me so bad I was in tears and I found the pain equal in intensity to childbirth???? Just weird. So I ignored it until I felt that familiar pain again several weeks later. Although nothing came of the pain this time, the general aching increased, so I planned a visit to a local orthopedic. He took x-rays and told me, "I know what is wrong with you! You have pseudo-gout in both your knees! That is why you have pain! Unfortunately though, there is nothing I can do for you." Huh? Whoa - wait a minute. So I said, "Pseudo WHAT?" and he began to explain what it is. Pseudo-gout is exactly what it is called, "pseudo" meaning "not genuinely, but having the appearance of" and gout - because that is what it acts like. Pseudo-gout is actually NOT gout at all!! It just manifests like gout. In actuality, pseudo-gout is calcium deposits within joints and not caused or affected by diet whatsoever. It basically afflicts OLDER people, literally people 70 and older. So after I understood the diagnosis, I asked "How come I have this?" and he said, "I have no freakin' idea! You shouldn't - you're way too young! It's very strange". He gave me a prescription for an anti-inflammatory and told me if I had another attack, to call him and he would give me a steroid injection. End of story, and I was on my way out the door before I could ask another question!
I was soon up 2400 mg of Motrin daily. It is the only thing that allowed me to be able to move. I chewed them like candy. How I haven't ended up with my stomach totally rotted, I do not know. I guess I'm lucky. Ha! Ha! A little dabble with humor there! Heck, it could always be worse!
Ok, so now I had something wrong with my neck and the surgeon wants to slice my neck open, I have this weird thing wrong with my knees that usually only old people get and my spine was evidently like the Leaning Tower of Pisa! I mean, are you kidding me? I knew that sitting down feeling bad for myself was not going to help a damn thing, but..................sometimes; you just need to sit and feel bad for yourself. I have learned since that moment that often the only thing to do is stand up and pull up yourself up by your boot straps, BUT in order to do that you need to fall first. And so, I fell. Into a heap on the floor. I stayed there until there was not one more tear to be shed. Then I calmly stood and I pulled up my boot straps. Suck it up, Valerie – just suck it up.
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