2008

This year started as all others. A weight, not really noticeable but there nonetheless, on my shoulders, that with every increasing pain in my back would remind me that "Oh yeah, I've got something wrong with me that I will have to sit down and really think through one of these days!". But it seemed like I was just too busy to sit and think about how I was really feeling and analyze whether or not I was really getting worse or not. The one think I did know was that I was getting sick and tired of people asking me all of the time if I had hurt my back because I walked "funny". It started to make me self-conscious of walking. I mean like it wasn't hard enough to just DO IT, but now I was concerned about people watching me! Think about that - all you people with healthy spines. When you get up to walk, do you even THINK about it or do you just do it?? It is a huge thought process for me, not a simple act. I don't just walk. I have to think about it. Very strange.


In May 2008, I went back to Dr. Glazer - again! I said, "I think I've become worse". He said, "Ya think?" and he would just look at me. He examined the newest x-rays and was quiet. Then he turns around, as he does each and every time, and without saying anything else, he ALWAYS starts out by crossing his legs and arms, relaxing in the chair and says, "So....talk to me". Wait? Aren't I here for YOU to talk to ME??” Dr. Glazer is a different doctor though. I tend to view him as a "holistic" doctor. He looks at the "whole picture", NOT just the problem area. Even though he is technically a spine specialist/surgeon, he really see's you as a WHOLE person and not just another spine. He is like a therapist. He knows me, I think. He asked me once, "WHY when I ask you how you are doing, you reply "I'm doing well, how about you?” You are not here for ME and you are NOT fine, Valerie. I look at your x-rays and MRI's and CT scan’s and I don't know how you function!!! Do NOT say you are fine!” Well, I guess he told me!! So he knows, he has to take it slowly with me but soon I am revealing all. I tell him I can't walk. I tell him I can't stand. I tell him that I can no longer imagine shopping at the mall. I tell him that if a friend wanted to go to NYC for the day, I would have to decline. I CAN'T do that anymore. He looked at me and said, "It's called a decline in the QUALITY OF LIFE". I said, "Yes, you are right". He said, "What do you want to do?” I look at him and say, "Have the surgeries I guess". He's quiet. "Really? Are you sure?” I want to scream, "What? Are you telling me I shouldn't?” But I don't. I just look back at him. He says, "This particular surgery is HUGE. Are you prepared for this? Have you really thought it through?” I lie and say, "Yes". I know that he doesn’t believe me. But he and I have talked about it a number of times. I have been a member of my online support group for years. I talk to my family and friends about it occasionally. I mean, for God's sake, YES, I've thought about it. Just not in details? I say none of this to him, it's just quiet. He turns back to the computer screen and stares and the digital films of my spine, in each and every way imaginable.

He turns around again and says, "Your neck is a mess". I say, "I know". He gets up and gives me a finger, hand and arm strength test. I fail. He said, "Do you bump into doorways alot?” Shocked, I respond "Yeah. How did you know?” He asks, "Do you drop things alot?” "Yeah, how do you know?” He sits, looks at me, smirks and says, "because your neck is a mess!". I smile and chuckle. Okkkkkkk. I say, "Now what?” He said, "I believe in fixing the neck before revision". I said, "Will you still be slitting my throat?” He smiles and says, "I will be entering from the front of your neck. I think I need to fuse 2 discs.” I asked, "Do we really have to do this?” He said, "Yes". He said, "I want a new MRI first". OK. He said, "Have Linda set it up for you. I do not want them done in Westerly. I know this is an inconvenience, but I want you do have them done here". Alrighty. He stood and left, but as he walked out, he turned around and said, "I'll call you with the results".

One week later, Erica and I headed to Boston (yet again, I could do this drive in my sleep!) on a Saturday afternoon. I had an MRI and CT scan of my entire spine and then we turned around and headed back home.

A week or so later, Dr. Glazer called me. "Valerie, your neck is a mess. We need to fix it before revision. I need to do a 2-level fusion, from C 5-7. No ifs or ands about it. What do you want to do?” I hear myself saying, "Let's fix it". He hesitates. Finally, he speaks again and said, "You'll be hearing from Janet next week to set up a date". I said, "Ok". He said, "I'll see you in the OR dear".

Janet calls two days later. I set the date for July 18 (2008). Yikes - I had about 3 weeks. I told my boss. My employers were wonderful and they don't even really know ANYTHING about my spine saga. Janet states I'll probably be out of work for 2 or 3 weeks. Well, I figure I am a fast healer, so I will just tell work 2 weeks definitely. Because I WILL be ready then right?? I just ignore the numbers I don't want to hear, I heard "2", so 2 weeks it is!!

We headed up on a Friday for a surgery slated for 1:30 PM. We arrived at 11. The family was staying overnight (Dr. Glazer said I'd only be in the hospital overnight) in a hotel directly across the street. No big deal. Right? Well, 1:30 came and went. 2. 3. 4. FOR GOD'S SAKE PEOPLE, don't you know that you are stressing me??? Beth Israel IS a teaching hospital, I know BUT I get this "newbie" anesthesiologist. The kid can't get the line in me and before any of us know it, my blood is spewing everywhere. Erica lean's over and whispers, "OK, I am NOT comfortable with this guy taking care of you". I tell her, "No worries, he'll be being watched by an attending. Everyone has to learn on somebody". See? Why am I always worried about everyone else?? I chose to keep my mouth shut because bascially I'm more concerned about this young kids feelings than my own well-being?!? Slap me now!! Finally Dr. Glazer and his PA, Jeff show up. Jeff is using a black marker and doing God knows what , I guess basically drawing with it on my neck. I want to ask, "Where's my drugs??" Jeez! Finally, at about 5:05 I am brought to the OR. I kiss all good-bye and all I could think was "Let's get this show on the road". I hadn't been in an OR since my C-section with Ben. This was my 5th surgery and the realization of that 'ol familiar smell of "something or other" was my last recollection.

I woke up in the Recovery Room. My first thought, "Open your eyes". Anyone who has experienced surgery knows what I am talking about. Opening your eyes isn't so easy when you come "out of it". You’re so tired and you just want to go back to sleep. But I force myself, because I want to prove to myself that I am alive and all is well. Ok. I see people scurrying and I hear people. I'm alive. I ask, to anyone who can hear me, "What time is it". Someone responds, "Hi Valerie. You are in the recovery room honey. It is 8 o'clock". OK, that means it was successful too (Dr. Glazer had said it would be about a 2 hour surgery). Then all of a sudden, PAIN. Yikes!! This wasn't feeling so wonderful. The nurse says, "Wake up Valerie. Stay awake now. How ya doing?" I say "fine". She comes over and says, "Have any pain?” "Yes" I say. She says, "Then you’re NOT fine! Here is your pain pump, just pump it when you have pain". BEAUTIFUL!! I forced myself to stay awake because after a few attempts I know she is NOT letting me stay asleep anyway. Soon I am being brought to my room. The first people I see are my children. I smile and Erica is relieved to see me alive and ok. She is a worrier and I can see she is happy with what she see's, which in turn makes me happy. If she had looked worried, I'd be worried! I am exhausted and I just want to sleep, so I finally ask them to leave! They left, and yet I couldn't fall sleep. This is how narcotic's react in me. They exhaust me, but yet I can't fall asleep. I felt like I laid awake all night long. Plus I could only stay on my back in a reclining position. Well, lying on your back with Flatback is just about the most painful thing we can do. Even all drugged up, my back was killing me. Dr. Glazer came in the next morning and said, "You had a little more significant deterioration and herniation than was noticeable in the films. I had to fuse 3 levels, C 4-7. Are you in pain?” I say "Yes". I shocked myself at the answer! He tells me that he is going to instruct a nurse to remove my IV pain pump and he wants me to start eating and drinking and swallowing pain med's. HUH?? I could barely swallow my damn spit and now he thinks I am going to swallow a pill?? Let me explain, I feel like a freakin' bobble head. My head felt about the size of earth sitting on top of a pencil, I had a headache from hell, I had a TRUE pain in the neck, my back was killing me, my knees were stiff from being off my daily anti-inflammatory for the past 10 days and from not moving them, my throat hurts and when I try to speak I can only whisper AND I was sooooo TIRED because I couldn't sleep!! He takes off the neck brace and asks me to slowly turn my head! Is he joking? I do it. It is a relief to feel my neck responding, but it hurts and I don't want to do it again. He says, "You aren't going home today. You need to stay another night". Yeah, ok - like I was leaving anyway. There is no way I was leaving that hospital; I would have fought the whole way!!! I wasn't expecting the level of pain that I was feeling and my little Erica was my private nurse. She fed me popsicles in tiny pieces, she held my hand and she whispered positive affirmations to me constantly: "You look really good Mom". "You ate almost 1/2 Popsicle". "Want some ginger ale?” She never left my side. Erica and I share a bond so strong it couldn't be cut, no matter what. I always say that Ben is "My" boy, my little man (even though he is a BIG one now) and my little guy, but Erica is "My" daughter, my sweet little girl. She would have made a fine nurse. Both of my children are old souls. Really good, kind young people and they have been that way since birth. They always root for the underdog, they are altruistic and they are both so compassionate. Can you tell they are the lights of my life? I am so proud of my children and I love them fiercely.

Saturday night, I am in so much pain. I stare at the clock watching the minutes pass by until it is time for pain meds again. The nurse doesn't come. I ring the bell. No one responds. I ring again. Still no response. I hear a lot of activity in the halls. I can only assume someone is in more need than me, so I lay there and don't ring again. Finally an hour later, my nurse comes running into the room apologizing. She is 8 months pregnant, a sweet little thing. I tell her that I desperately need to change position, that my back and knee's are killing me. She manages to help me move about 1/16". Whoopie! She says, "How's that?” I say, "Good". I lie. How can I allow this very pregnant girl help me move? I feel bad, so I suffer. She gives me the pain meds and I am able to sleep for 10 minutes every hour. By 5 AM, my knees are screaming. I can't handle the pain. A nurse comes in and attempts to get me up. I WANT to get up. My knees don't. Dr. Glazer arrives and says, "What's going on?” I tell him, "My knees. I was stuck in the same position too long last night and now they hurt so much. Can I start on my Mobic again??” He says, "Yes, BUT we need to something about those knee's! You need to get an MRI, here me? Tell your local ortho that you need to check out those knees!” I say, "Ok". Then he asks, “Why are you whispering?” and I said, “I don’t know. It’s as loud as I can talk”. He just looks at me. However, even without words, I can sense his wonder as to why. He doesn’t say anything else except, “I’ll see you in two weeks”. I was discharged a couple of hours later. I'm in bad shape. The two hour car ride home is hell on earth. All I could think was, "What have I done??"